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| I had to stop lying to myself.
I realized that I still have a crush on a guy that is totally not checking for me. He was at one point but that was the past. And now I can't figure out if I'm crushing on him or on the idea of him. He is one of the coveted at my church. If you could see him you would know why. He's beautiful and has a heart for the Lord. What single Christian girl in the city wouldn't want that? But I refuse to let myself be one of the NUMEROUS girls that likes him and feels that "the Lord" has called them to marry this one individual. I mean, ALL of y'all can't marry him. You know that right...
And then the whole revelation got me to thinking what's worse:
- To like someone and have them like you back but then have the whole thing not work out OR to like someone but never have the feelings reciprocated
- To be really hot and have a lot of scuzzy guys always hit on you OR be cute and have guys not want to talk to you right now because they want a girl like you later
- To have loved and lost OR to never have loved at all
And after all of that I watched Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind (which I am convinced is the longest, hardest to say movie title ever.) It got me to thinking all the more. If I could would I erase the bad memories of past relationship?
My initial response was HECK YEAH! I would love to wipe out a couple of people mentally if for no other reason than because I can't do it physically. But then I got to thinking about how all of the past relationships have helped shaped me into the person I am now. And for a split second the answer went from HECK YEAH to HELL YEAH! I spit in the general direction of the guy who belittled me for wanting to get married. I dance on the grave (he's not dead, just making a point) of the guy who totally used my affections for his own selfish gain and put everything else before me. And I throw flaming arrows at every guy who ever dumped me because they realized NO, really did mean NO.
Then one word came to me: Grace (I will write more about that later) Grace. Grace and more Grace. God gives a greater grace to the humble. Yeah, I've been burned before. But I can't let it make me bitter. And forgiving means extending a grace that is truly undeserved. I love how I love not only BECAUSE of past relationships, but IN SPITE OF them. I've had my heart broken but oddly enough it hasn't destroyed my faith in love and relationships. I'm still a hopeless romantic. So I guess have the answer to at least one of my questions. It's better to love and lose than not love at all.
*sigh* | | |
| So, it has come to my attention that I have let my xanga drop off like a champ. See here's the thing. Blogging, in and of itself, is just a self glorifying way of pushing yourself off on other people. Yes, they have the choice of whether or not they choose to read with any sort of frequency. But who's to say that they should even have the option. Is it really our God given right to talk mindlessly about ourselves, our hobbies, our dreams, our thoughts... or have we just become so self absorbed as a culture that we feel the need to share every part of who we are with the faceless masses....Caution be danged....
You know I will write more later. | | |
| i don't write nearly enough. it's not like stuff doesn't happen to me. it's just that i spend so much time on the road, or being hot  , or writing for bglu (blackgirlslikeus.com) that i just forget.
at the moment, i am in buffalo, ny, mourning the loss of my favourite gloves. I've had those gloves forever and i'm really sad that i lost them.
tidbits
had an audition last week. read for the part of "ethnic female." don't really know what they were going for with that one. hope that weren't expecting "Keylolo" to come in there talking about her long distance. (it was a commercial for some communications company that i've never heard of.) I'll let you know what happens.
why are the children trying to holler? the last couple of guys that have tried to act like that might be interested have been under 25. do i look 12? (she asked as she looked at the t-shirts from hot topic.)
no offense katie and amy but as I sit here in Buffalo I realize that hate the upper NY accent. it's all nose and whine and such. oh my dear Lord I can't wait to leave. i love you though.
chynna is on the surreal life and she is scaring me. for real. if i see her on the street i'm going to run.
how much does that new jLo song make me want to scream. honestly, it's the horns. ususally horns make the song. (see Beyonce's Crazy in Love) but in this case i feel like i'm being tortured...slowly...with water. and was the little girl at the end of the song supposed to be able to sing the song better than Jennifer? oops... I must admit though, the dance...ummm...thingie in the middle of the video made me love Jennifer Lopez, the fly girl, again.
someone lied to me. someone told me that i have to go to work everyday to a job that I'm qualified for but not really called to, to earn lots of money to buy stuff that i don't really need and try to keep up with a bunch of people that i don't know. who are these alleged Jones'?
why is there web space available for people like me to just talk about what ever they want? why are there people who will read about my random thoughts? why am I still watching the surreal life? | | |
| You ever wonder how deranged you looked when you think of something funny and then laugh to yourself? I was walking through the airport yesterday and was thinking about something a friend of mine said. I won't go into it but I proceeded to crack myself up. It wasn't like a small giggle. It was like a full out belly laugh. I realized after I finally calmed down that I must have looked absolutely crazy to the casual observer. Just walking and cracking up. And I was in the airport. I'm probably red flagged like a champ...
Oh well, it was still funny. | | |
| The Final Countdown
My life came to an interesting head last week or so. It was as I was sitting at my desk looking at the ever-increasing pile of papers, wondering how I was ever going to be able to get all of my TPS reports done. That was an Office Space reference. I did have reports to do but not of the TPS nature. And I had a "this is your life" moment. You know when the realization that says this is where you are. And it’s no where near where you thought you would be.
I know that there are times of training and equipping. Times when God allows up to be where we need to be so that when we go where he ultimately wants us to be we’re not walking into the place unequipped. But I think it’s during these times of teaching that we sometimes allow ourselves to be gripped by fear. One of man’s greatest fears is death. I don’t think it’s the process of dying but the fear of the unknown. For the most part no one really knows what it’s like to stand in the perfect peace of God or, heaven forbid, in the complete and utter lack of his presence. You’re basically walking into the situation clueless and helpless. And since the dawn of the ages we’ve known that man does not like to lack control.
I believe it’s that same fear that grips us as life progress on. The fear of the unknown. The fear of wondering what will be. And sadly, that same fear is what keeps us from moving. It takes a great deal of faith to step out from the ordinary. But that’s where I am right now. I have come to the realization that I can no longer work within 3.5 walls. If that’s your thing then do it well. But my growing level of discontent is leading me to believe that the season of "9-5" is swiftly coming to an end in my life. Don’t get me wrong. For the most part, I really do love my job. It pays well and when it’s not stressing my out it’s definitely a cool place to be. But I know in my heart that it’s not the end. The desire for change in my personal life and in the world around me is so great that there are times when I feel like I might bust if I don’t get busy. And the feeling that the world changing that I’m called to do is NOT going to take place as I bang out reports grows stronger every day. Don’t get me wrong. People have to work. I don’t really understand those people who feel like we should all leave the work force and go do missions. I don’t know about you but I’m a big fan of having my garbage picked up on Friday, and being able to turn on my lights, go to the doctor when I get sick and a bunch of other random things that we need on a daily basis. But my desire to see fewer girls whoreing themselves to be molested in videos, fewer girls starving themselves because the stores that they want to shop in only carry size 12, fewer African-American (and any American for that matter) women contracting the AIDS virus at an alarming rate, fewer baby-mamas is greater than my desire to know which one of the cholesterol drugs that I’m studying works best. And I realize that the day is quickly approaching when I’m going to have to make a choice. Stay safe or step out.
I meet so many people all of the time. Being on the road a lot wards you the opportunity of running into an array of interesting people. But so often I meet people with the ShouldaCouldaWoulda. I shoulda done this. I coulda been that. I woulda gone here if not ly for….But for all of the excuses that people have for where their lives are, when it boils right down to it, most of them were simply afraid. Afraid to take a chance. Afraid of failing. Afraid of not being able to get back up if and when they did fail. And because of that fear they live with a lot of regrets.
Many of us have missed opportunities. And it’s human nature to long for what could have been. Praise God that’s not the life that we’re called to.
Forget the former things;
Do not dwell in the past.
See I am doing a new thing.
Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?
Isaiah 43:18, 19
Translation:
Bump all that old bustedness
Leave that mess in the past, back thurr
See how I have the new hotness for you
It’s all up in yo’ area, Can’t you see (like Total)
God has called us to be new creations. The old has passed away and all things become new. But just because you have the new hotness, doesn’t mean that you have the right to ride that on in to the end. Now that you have the hotness it’s up to you to share it with everyone that’s still rockin’ the old bustedness.
So for all that I have experienced, for all that I know to be safe and secure, I know that it’s time to step out in faith. I can’t change a thing if I don’t get moving. Changing the face of what beauty is perceived to be can’t be done all that effectively in a cube. So I’m making the jump, I’m taking the leap. And I’m believing that God is going to raise me up in his timing. I can no longer let the talk of hot girl modeling be that: Talk. The beautiful thing is I have perfect peace about it. Because I know this is where I’m called to be.
In Battlefield of the Mind, Joyce Meyer said, "When God calls He gives desire, faith and ability to do the job." I really know want to do this.. I believe in faith that I will do it. And by God I have the ability to do it. (Toya is probably freaking out that I actually linked pictures of myself on the web. I’m cool with it though. Haters and Stalkers be danged.) I’m running toward the destiny that I’ve been called to. I refuse to be one of those people who let fear taunt them out of a life of greatness. I won’t let failure, fear or anything keeping me from fighting to reach my goal. I will run until I’m told to stop. Rather run the race to win, than never get out of the blocks. Ya know?
Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened, before
Switchfoot – Dare You to Move
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